And since Tumblr has been more or less a steady horror show, I'm going to avoid it here, for my own sanity.
The rest of this post will be total randomness.
We made goal on the Forbidden Island campaign thanks to an incredibly generous donor, and I am pretty much floored by it. Thank you. Thank you to everyone, even if all you did was sit through it and grit your teeth. It is appreciated.
My rosacea, which had become hellish, is almost completely gone, knock on wood, and I am so happy about that I could cry. No, wait, I have cried. I feel pretty again. Not, like, as pretty as I DID, there's still redness and spots occasionally, but it is mostly GONE and I am not in PAIN in my stupid FACE. It may come back, which fills me with dread, but I want to try to get some pictures of me taken soon before that maybe happens, because I DO like having cute pictures of myself to look at. I just need to experiment with the new mineral makeup samples I got a while back. Which will require a friend and some natural lighting.
I have been helping a friend move and get set up in their new place and so I've been tired, and the depression is what it is, and I've been cranky about that bit. The moving/organizing bit is not bad at all, just physically tiring. But I love this person, and spending time with them is peaceful. Also, I get to be buddies with their cats, too, which is nice.
I took a clonazepam about an hour ago and then threw away a whole trash bag full of stuff from my bathroom that I don't need. Just . . . junk. Out it goes. It was surprisingly easy, for a task that was impossible before the anti-anxiety meds. I think I have found a workable strategy for getting the initial highly stressful "throwing shit the fuck away" phase underway! I cannot do this too often or bad things happen, but if I'm going to be taking one for a panic attack anyway, I might as well use the happy period afterward to get some shit done without angst and misery!
I am working on getting my studio back in working order, so I can paint more ponies, work on some Monster High dolls, and just in general get to work on shit I have been meaning to do for way too long. I don't know if I will succeed, but I'm going to try. And I would really like a thump on the shoulder for that one, and a "good boy," because goddamn, just trying is really hard when I feel so overwhelmed.
You know the really frustrating part? That I have so many people willing to help me out, and I honestly cannot figure out HOW they might be able to do so. Like, I have a friend who is ace at organizing and bossing around, both of which are useful traits. I have another who is patient and kind and will bear me along and keep me company and gladly do things if directed to. I have a third who will do probably anything I need her to do, including keep hold of things for me if I temporarily need help with that. I have a husband who is good at reducing problems to their sticking point and addressing that. And I cannot organize and deploy these people effectively because the whole thing is just such a sprawling mess.
I will try. I will talk to lovely bossy friend this week to see what she might be able to help with. And after that, gentle friend and all-purpose friend can help with specific things.
And between now and then, I will take as much trash and stuff I will never use out of my studio as I can. At least two bags or boxes a day. I can do that. I can.
That is as much of a plan as I have.
There's a thing I believe really firmly and it applies to all sorts of things. Emergencies, combat, roleplaying game dice-fail fiascos, real-life injustice and horror, fiction writing, art in general. That is "What you do does not matter as much as that you do something." Like, that is one of the truest things ever. So I am trying to do that. I give good advice sometimes. Why not follow it?
There is lightning in my brain lately, so much going on, so many feelings until it's just like white noise, and there's no resolving any of it. So I guess it's time to start trying to function through it. I can be confused while sitting still, or I can be confused while making small improvements and maybe having a little fun. Perhaps soon I will feel really playful and happy again in more than two-hour bursts.
I'm an amazing person. I'd like to prove that to myself again someday, you know?
I told you this was random. I'm very tired and also a little loopy.
Tell me about things you were able to get done, and what made it easier for you to do so, psychologically. Or materially. Problems you had to solve, and how you solved them. Talk to me. I'm lonely.
I love you, everyone. I get very lovey on clonazepam. I like to think that's how I really am, and the pain and anxiety and depression just gets in the way of that. I like to think I am that good a person.
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