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May 28th, 2017

Cute art stuffs!

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I'm trying to get some money together for a short birthday celebration, so I'm selling a bunch of small art tiles on Etsy!

Here's the link!

And here's a selection of the stuff I have up there! Just a bunch of fun, pretty things.

Pretty pastel crystals!




This bear drawn by my girlfriend! That's right! A bear drawn by a bear!



Do you like that Owl City Fireflies song as much as I do? Here you go. I've done several of these on the firefly theme and I just love them.



This is a cute rabbit. What more do I need to say?

There's more at the shop!

There is a tumblr post you can boost here!

Please share the link if you have friends that you think will be interested!

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

March 28th, 2017

Gates of Empire

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Originally posted by sargon999 at Gates of Empire
SoE 3

Down to the final week for Storm of Empire, and I need you help to make it a success.  So here I present the entirety of the second chapter, where things start to get intense...
Chapter 2: Gates of Empire

Arthras held his side with one hand and carried the stolen axe in the other as he jogged forward.  He heard the battle drums call for the charge, and he was swept up in a great forward rush.  All around him were other men of his people, or of related tribes.  They wore their hair in braids and their faces were dark with soot and paint.  They surged forward with spears and shields and swords in a glittering, deadly wave, shouting as one, and he joined his voice with theirs.  He felt as if he were part of one great animal, huge and hungry.  The power of the Almanni released at last.

They entered the shadows of the gates, and arrows began to sheet from the walls of the city, rattling down like hard rain that struck shields and armor and men.  Arthras had neither armor nor shield, so he hunched down, tried to shelter behind the shields of the men around him as they held them up to block out the missiles.  Men screamed and fell wounded or dying, but the wave came on.  Balls of fire hammered against the walls, and Arthras wondered if they would stop firing when the lines met the stone.

Closer now, those men with bows bent them and fired upwards.  He did not see how they could hit anything, for down here there was no sign of the enemy, only unflinching stone.  He was being swept in toward the gate itself, and men around him rushed forward with ladders and tried to fling ropes with iron hooks up against the towers.  They could not throw them high enough, and the ladders went up but he saw they were far too short.  They did not even reach halfway up.

Now they were close against the walls, and the defenders began to hurl stones down at them.  He heard the terrible sound of them as they struck shields or crushed in helmets.  He felt a sudden fear, realizing there was nothing he could do to avoid being hit – it was simple chance.  He closed his eyes for a moment and offered up a prayer to Bora, that she might protect him.

Then the army was hammering at the wooden gates, axes and swords beating against the iron-hard wood.  He was caught in the press and had to fight for enough space to move and breathe.  He cried out, not sure if he was angry or afraid, pushing to try and get free of the mass of men.  Shields and spear-hafts battered at him, rattling against each other and hammering on the gate.  Stones fell and crushed men to the ground, and Arthras realized how helpless they all were.

There was a crushing wave in the mass of men, and more warriors appeared, carrying the body of a great tree.  The end was cut to a point and armored with iron plates nailed into the wood.  The branches had been cut off long and stripped of bark to leave handholds.  They dragged it forward until the iron tip dug against the gates, and then they started to swing it.

It seemed to take a very long time, drawing back a distance that didn’t seem far enough to matter, and then they swung it in and it crashed against the wood with a sound that echoed off the towers and made the seemingly impregnable gates shudder under the force of it.  More men rushed in to help, and Arthras tried to get closer and join, but in the press he was held back, fighting against a mass of sweaty, bloodied men.  The ram swung back, and then forward again.  There were too many men hanging on it, holding up their shields to protect themselves, and the second blow was not as powerful.

The men on the ram began to chant, getting a rhythm going, driving the terrible weapon forward to strike again, and again.  Arthras could not believe anything could withstand such punishment.  The whole mass of them became a single, heaving force, pushing the ram against the gate again, and again, until he almost boiled with frustration to see it remain unbroken.

Something splashed down from above, heavy and stinking, and at first he thought it was water, then he smelled it and knew it for rendered oil.  Men cursed and fought to wipe it from their faces, their hands slipping on the wooden grips of the ram.  Some of the men suddenly turned and tried to fight their way clear of the ram, and Arthras didn’t understand why until he saw torches drop from the walls above.

There was a moment when his mind cleared, and then fire burst alive and spread like a mantle across the men, igniting shields and arms and faces.  The ram itself blazed with fire and the warriors dropped it, thrashing as they beat at the flames that clung to them.  More oil came down and exploded into fire, covering the ground in a lake of flame and immolating men whole.  They staggered like shadows, wrapped in light as they were devoured.  He saw them fall.

Arthras was thrust aside as men tried to flee, but they were trapped by the press of men still dashing themselves against the walls.  Arrows scythed down, and he fell, pinned under a man who writhed with an arrow through his neck.  The ground was covered in dead men, the air thick with choking smoke.  Arthras shoved the man off him and cried out as pain lanced through his head.  He had lost his axe, and he had nothing to fight with.  He looked at the smoke-blackened gates and bared his teeth, feeling a heat boil inside him.  He looked at his hands, and he saw his skin turn black.
o0o

The pounding was distant, but steady, and Karana wondered what it was.  It sounded like some terrible force beating against the walls, or the gates.  She imagined it must be a ram, but in her mind she pictured a giant as were said to exist in the far north, striking down at the stone with a great axe or a hammer.  She felt another wave of dizziness and clung to the windowsill until it passed.  The wind coiled around her, cool but humid and heavy with rain, like a portent.

Tentatively, she breathed in, closing her eyes, feeling the air flow around her, waiting for it to answer her as it had, and there was nothing.  She let her breath out in a long huff, almost glad.  Of all the people who might seek the blessings of the gods, she was least among them.  Karana was not even sure she believed in the gods.  The Church of Attis was everywhere, the sign of the great warrior with his thunderbolt uplifted, frowning on all other gods.  In her homeland they had several gods far older than he.  Vaosea was the mother of the sea, and it was she who wrought storms with her sons thunder and lightning, and her daughters wind and rain.

She heard a noise downstairs, and she turned and hurried down, hoping it was Marius.  She passed the stacks of books and felt her heart heavy in her chest.  If all of these documents were left behind, they would be destroyed.  If the archive did not burn, then ten thousand barbarians would use them all to wipe their backsides.  She was afraid, and she wanted to escape, but she did not want to leave.  There was too much here, and she had spent too much time here to give it up easily.

Downstairs, the great hall was dark as the light failed, and there was no one to light the lanterns.  She saw the side doors were open, wind coming through, and there were people coming in, but she was close before she saw they were men she did not know.  They looked rough, and dirty, and they had a gleam in their eyes she did not like.

One of them saw her, reached out and caught her sleeve.  “You!  Show us where you hide the gold!”

For a moment she was speechless, not even sure what to say in answer.  She tried to remember and think if there was some money in the archives she had forgotten, but then he twisted her arm and it hurt and she cried out, and she realized these men were not supposed to be here at all.  “Let go of me!” she said, and she wrenched at him, but he did not loosen his grip.

“The gold, where is the gold, we know you have money hidden in here!”  He shook her.  “Where is it?”

He was angry, and now she could smell wine on him.  There were two more of them, and they were coming closer.  She pulled again, but he was too strong.  He was still talking but she could not make it out, it was as if he were speaking gibberish.  He yanked her arm painfully and she screamed and a flare of lightning turned the world white for a flickering instant just before a thunderclap all but deafened them all.  The man’s grip loosened and she ripped her arm free, almost fell down from the effort.

The others began angrily slapping scrolls and books from the shelves, and Karana lost her temper.  The man grabbed for her again, and this time she shoved him back as hard as she could, shocked when he flew back more than ten paces and bounced off the door frame, his head striking with an ugly sound.  The force sent Karana staggering back and she fetched against the balustrade of the stairs, stared at the man as he groaned and rolled over, the other two stopping their vandalism to stare at her.  She felt a heart-speeding terror mixed in with her anger, and she saw their faces uncertain and confused in the flash of lightning.

“Out,” she growled, and then she raised her voice and shouted with a terrible rage.  “Get out!”  She shook with the force of it, and something seemed to flare inside her like a trail of fire up her spine, and then the wind shifted with a sudden and terrible roaring.  Rather than gust in through the door it reversed itself and blew out through the open doors.  The men were picked up bodily and hurled backward, sucked in toward the doors, only to slam against the stout wood as the wind yanked them shut.

The wind shattered the windows and sent glass scattering into the night, and then the doors gave way and ripped off their hinges and hurled out into the street along with the intruders.  Karana clutched at the railing as the wind coursed around her, bringing up a gyre of loose papers and books that scattered across the room and billowed outward into the growing storm.

She sagged down to the floor, staring, unable to believe what she had seen, what she had felt.  Her heart was pounding, and she found her veil was gone, leaving her hair uncovered.  She felt a jolt of irrational embarrassment and then she focused on the scattering papers and hurried after them.  Alone in the dark, she got down and crawled on the floor, catching scraps of parchment and vellum, trying to save them from blowing away.
o0o

Arthras thought he was burning alive.  He was on his knees in the black, bloody earth, and he watched his skin turn black and screamed.  He was filled with a terrible heat that grew and grew and then seemed to radiate from his skin.  His tunic smoldered and smoked and then caught fire.  Panicked, he tore it off and threw it away, found his breeches were on fire.  He leaped up and tried to run, fell against the ram and tripped over the broken handles.

Then he realized he felt no pain, and he lay for a moment and looked at his black hands and down at his arms and his chest.  He gripped one of the branches that had served as a handle for the ram and saw the wood smoke and burn under his touch.  He did not understand what was happening.  His heart was beating hard and fast, but he did not hurt, he was not burning.  The pain in his ribs was gone – there was no pain at all.  He pulled himself up, stood there as his boots incinerated from his feet and left him naked and smoking, black as a figure etched on an urn.

He looked around himself, saw the army was falling back, shouting and dragging wounded men with them.  The attack had failed.  He saw warriors pointing at him, staring and saying things he could not hear.  He looked at the gates, then up at the walls, still untouched and arrogant above him.  He snarled, baring his teeth.  He knew his face must be black, and he wondered how he looked.

Something hit him in the chest and he grunted, looked and saw a broken arrow on the ground.  He rubbed the place where it had struck him and felt no wound, nothing at all.  Another one hit him in the mouth and he flinched as he felt it glance off his tooth.  Anger grew inside, and he felt again that tremor in the earth, like the one that had made Thros stumble.  Arthras spat out a piece of broken metal and then he began to smile.

This was the power of the gods.  He had prayed to Bora, the war-goddess, and she had answered him.  He did not know why he was given this power, but he knew it was meant to be used.  He bent down and put his hands on the earth while arrows fell all around him.  Not knowing what he should do, or say, he only closed his eyes and called the earth to shake.

He felt a kind of ripple pass through the ground, and it was as if he felt the earth and the rocks beneath as they coiled and gathered, and then convulsed.  The ground seemed to leap, and Arthras dug his fingers into the soil and held on.  The walls shook, and he saw them wave like walls made of leather or cloth, while mortar fractured and spat out from between the stones.  The arch above the gate buckled, and cracks raced across the stones.  The wooden gate bulged and twisted, and bolts shot out of the wood like arrows.

The sound was incredible – a deep-voiced roar like thunder that never ended.  Arthras clung to the ground as he felt the vibrations pass through him, thrumming up his arms, down his back, through his skull.  The gate buckled, and then the heavy wood snapped and tore as the arch collapsed.  Once the cascade began, it spread, and he looked up as the gate towers twisted, slumped, and then disintegrated under the unending quaking of the ground beneath them.  A wave of broken stone swept down and dashed Arthras aside, turned him over and ground him between heavy stones.

The shaking began to subside, tremors diminishing, echoing themselves again and again, and Arthras realized he was not dead.  He shoved at the rocks and they moved as if they were made of straw.  Broken rock melted to his skin, and when he burst free he was half-covered in a layer of molten rock covered by the dark, cooled surface.  It cracked when he moved, and the red glow showed through.  Still there was no pain, and he grunted as he scraped the stuff from his skin.

He stood in the towering column of dust arisen from the broken gate, and then he looked back and saw the army there, men all dashed to the ground by the tremors, staring at him as he climbed from the ruin.  He stood there for a moment, and then he thrust his fists to the sky and howled a war cry.  “Take the city!” he screamed, and a thousand voices rose up to join him.
o0o

Karana was on the floor, hands full of papers, when she felt the earth shudder.  It began as a low roar, and she thought it was more thunder, but then she felt the floor under her ripple, as if it were the surface of the sea, and she looked up to see the whole building shuddering, heard the joints and beams of the structure creak and crack as though it were about to fall in on top of her.  She tried to get up but she could not, lay clinging to the floor as if that would do any good.  Two more windows broke and glass fell to the floor and shattered, echoes by thunder from above.

It stopped, and she realized it had not gone on very long, or so long as it seemed.  She staggered to her feet, wondering.  She had felt the earth shake years ago in Evanos, where such things were common, but not here.  She had been three years in Ilion and never felt it, but now the earth shook as if under the tread of a giant.

Another roar came, distant but sharper, and she turned and ran for the stairs again.  Up, up so she could get to a vantage point and see what was happening.  The windows were broken, shutters ripped loose by the wind, manuscripts scattered on the floor.  She climbed up until she could see east, toward the walls.  The sky was darkening, clouds moving low and rain beginning to scatter down, but she saw the walls, and she saw the great broken gap at the center where the gate had been, and she felt a knot of terror in her chest like a stone.

What should she do?  If she stayed here she would be killed, but was there any place safe to go?  She wondered if there were still ships to be had in the harbor.  If there was any way out of the city at all.  She could not defend the archive.  Or could she?  She closed her hands into fists, remembering the strength that had hurled a man across the room like a doll, the way the wind had answered her.  What was this power?  What could she do with it?

Looking at the broken walls, she saw lights begin to move in the dark, and she knew the barbarian army was flooding in, torches in hand to burn and plunder.  How could she do anything against so many?  There would be thousands of them, tens of thousands.

Perhaps, perhaps she could at least prevent the city from burning.  She looked up to the dark, roiling sky, flickers here and there as the lightning walked in the clouds, and she reached out her hands.  She reached with her thoughts, with her will, into the sky, and she pulled.

For a moment, she felt foolish, a girl alone in a library wishing for rain, believing she could control the very storm itself, but then rain fell all at once like the stroke of a thousand swords, and she flinched back from the sudden downpour, felt it blown in on the winds to spatter her face.  She felt the ends of her braids coming loose, tapping her neck.

She hurried back down, thinking to herself of the way to the harbor.  Rain would perhaps keep the invaders from burning the city.  What else could she do?  Even if she were blessed by the gods, surely she had by now exhausted their favor.  Why would they give such power to someone like her?  Perhaps she was only going mad, or she was dreaming and would soon awake with her head pillowed on her arms, sore from sleeping at the table.

She almost ran into Marius as he staggered through the doors, soaking wet and wiping rain from his face.  He caught her shoulders.  “Karana!  I can’t believe you’re still here.”

“What are you doing?” she said.  It was hard for her to bring her thoughts back to the moment.  Thunder echoed overhead and she seemed to feel it, in her bones.  She felt dizzy again, gripped Marius’ arms.  “I thought you left.”

“I brought a cart,” he said.  “Help me load what crates we can manage, and we’ll go.  I have a man with a small boat – he will take us, but he won’t wait very long.”

“The Almanni have breached the gates,” she said.  “I saw it from the window.  We don’t have time to take anything.”  She felt her eyes burning, thinking of all the books and words lost to savagery.  “We don’t have time.”  She chewed her lips, trying to decide.  She wanted to stay, wanted to find a way to protect the archive, but she did not believe she could.  Instead she had to decide if she could live with abandoning what she so loved.

There was shouting in the streets, out in the rain.  Karana would not have believed there were people still in the city left to flee, but there were.  Marius went to look, and she followed him, gathering up the many small braids of her hair and holding them, feeling for the pin she used to keep them in place.  She felt naked with her hair uncovered.  The wind was less now, and the rain had begun to fade.

She stepped out under the sky, and the light was strange.  The clouds were higher, their underbellies flickering with light as the lightning stalked here and there.  There was almost no wind, and the light was greenish and pale, seeming to outline everything clearly yet to have no source.  Karana knew it was the light of the star, filtering down through the clouds.  She had hoped for a greater storm, and perhaps she could make it so.  The thought made her belly feel tight and shivery.  What was happening to her?

There were people running through the streets, frantic, wide-eyed.  They had trusted in the strength of Ilion’s walls, and now that strength had failed them.  Their robes and tunics flapped as they ran, clutching whatever of their possessions they had managed to grab before they fled.

More shouts, and she felt the earth shudder underfoot again.  She looked across the plaza, toward the gates, and she saw men running, but they did not look like city people.  They wore armor and carried spears and swords.  She saw the strange light glint on helms and shield-rims, saw their pale skin and pale hair.  Almanni.  She had never seen so many in one place.

Marius caught her arm.  “Come quickly!  The cart, we can still get away.”

The oncoming horde of warriors moved like the sea, crashing against the houses and buildings, flowing in through doors, knocking over whatever it came upon.  She saw fleeing people cut down and speared to death in the street, heard screams that made the flesh crawl on her arms and neck.

Then the crowd parted, and something else stepped through.  It was shaped like a man, but was all black, as if the light could not touch him.  Smoke rose from his skin, and every step made the earth boom and shudder at his coming, his footprints black and burning in his wake.

March 15th, 2017

Omen Star

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Originally posted by sargon999 at Omen Star
So here I present the first chapter of Storm of Empire.  If you like it and want more, go over and back my Kickstarter so I can finish it!


Chapter 1: Omen Star

The star arched over the city, its tail like a curtain of colorless fire that glowed even in the daylight.  Karana looked up at it from the narrow window of the archive and wondered what it really was.  She had never seen one so large, seeming so close she felt she could touch it.  They called bearded stars omens of evil in the histories, but she knew they were more often said to portend momentous events – things that might change the course of empires.

A pall of smoke fell across the sky above her and she flinched away as a cloud billowed down the street and filled the plaza below, obscuring the crowds all moving toward the harbor.  The archives were too far from the walls to hear the ongoing assault, but the smoke of the fires of thousands of barbarians blew across the city, bringing the smells of burning wood and flesh.  Perhaps the star spoke truly, and these were the last days of the city of Ilion.

She turned away from the window and felt another surge of dizziness, caught at the parapet to hold herself steady.  For days now she had been caught by the sudden spells of vertigo and weakness.  She told herself there was nothing to it but weariness.  She had worked day and night for a week now, sleeping little and eating less.  They all did what they could, those who remained.

She turned back to her work and drew fragile scrolls from their slots on the walls and placed them as carefully as she could on the rolls of untreated rawhide – they had run out of vellum and real leather days ago – and then rolled them up.  The layers would help to protect the old parchments from crumbling when they were moved.  Once rolled, she packed them in crates, pushing them down snugly.  She already had three boxes ready to be nailed shut and carted off.  The wagon was late.

It was hot in here, high summer outside and barely a breath of wind.  She drew the veil off her hair and fanned herself for a moment, unobserved, but she quickly covered her head when she heard footsteps.  She just had time to arrange the silk over her braids when Marius came in.  He was the assistant Master, and while she did not like him as well as she had liked old Master Sabos, she got along with him well enough.  He was a thin man just reaching middle age, and he was as tired as the rest of them, the few that were left.

“Three waiting?” he said, looking at the crates.  He sighed.  “I don’t know if they are coming back.”

“They’ll come back,” she said, wanting to believe it.  “We have to get as many of the scrolls aboard ships as we can.”

“They said the harbor was chaos, last trip,” he said.  “People are desperate to escape.”

“The Almanni have been only been laying siege for ten days,” she said.  “Without ships to blockade the harbor I don’t see how they will expect to take the city.”

“If we had legions of old guarding the walls, I would not worry much either,” Marius said, sitting down.  The fingers of his left hand were knotted up, and he could not straighten them, but he pushed things around well enough with his fixed fist it was hard to notice.  “But the soldiers we have are not the best, and they are fewer than makes me comfortable.”

Karana did not argue with him.  Second-guessing military matters was his special interest, not hers.  She preferred histories of people, not armies.  It made her nervous to hear him say it, though.  Behind all the assurances that the barbarians could not possibly take the city was the crawling fear that perhaps they could.  After all, why else were they laboring so hard to preserve the library?

“I am beginning to wonder if we should not go as well.  We have packed a great deal.”  He took out a cloth and wiped at his sweaty neck, then fanned himself with it.  The upper floors were stifling this time of year, especially during the day.  “If we put as much as we can in the cellars, it should be safe enough.”

“Do you think so?” Karana did not believe it.  In her mind she saw the archive in flames, books and scrolls curling in the heat.  The thought turned her stomach and made her feel sick in her heart.  She took more scrolls down from the shelves and then stole a look at him.  She saw the way he did not look at her, and she smelled more smoke and she knew he was afraid.  He wanted to just run away, and perhaps that would be the wise thing to do.

There was a silence, and then she turned away from him, began to lay the scrolls out, her small hands with their intricate henna stains moving carefully on the aged documents.  These were lists of kings from her homeland, Sydon, far across the sea to the south.  The home she had never seen.  “Well, and you may go if you wish.  I am not going to prevent it.”Read more...Collapse )

March 11th, 2017

ONE MOAR THANKS.

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I used Amazon's thank you feature to send notes to just about everyone who sent us something from the kitty wish list!

I missed one person because the lysine paste stuff (I think it was that box) didn't come with a gift receipt.

So, thank you to that wonderful anonymous person.  I appreciate it so, so much.  The lysine paste is gross and stinky, oh my god, and it's really entertaining to watch Smooch lick it off my finger.  Poor smelly baby!

Thanks to everyone else, too, just in case you don't get the thank you email.  <3  

The lysine treats are gross-smelling and rubbery and I have to break them into tiny chunks and hand-feed them to him.  HE LOVES IT. 

The Feliway stuff is really cool.  Fake feline facial pheromones, for friendlier funny-faced felines!

Thank you all.  We are all super-grateful.  This doesn't just help Smooch, it helps all of us.  <3 X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

March 9th, 2017

Good news!

First, thank you, everyone who sent us presents from the kitty wishlist!

We are set for lysine chews and other treats, and have at least two months' worth of the Feliway diffuser refills!

I've adjusted the list order and priorities to reflect what we most need right now (litter and Feliway are the things we go through FAST, and Etrigan needs new cardboard scratchers) but this has really taken the pressure off us this month.  Thank you.  Thank you so much.  I will try to get individual thanks out to everyone, but I woke up to like six little packages on my doorstep this morning so it'll be a couple of days.

As far as The Man Himself, Smooch has been on the amitriptylene for about three weeks and we are seeing a noticeable, continual improvement in his levels of aggression and his marking behavior.  The screaming cat fights have gone from being once to several times a day to being once every few days.  I haven't seen him pee on anything in a week or so, and now that I know what triggers the behavior, I can try to interrupt it before it begins.  He is pacing and crying less -- he was doing a lot of that, and it was both upsetting for obvious reasons and also really obnoxious to deal with.

I've seen him walk away from a fight a few times now without going and marking immediately.  Something that literally never used to happen.  If we could get him to disengage, it was only to go and spray on something else.  Sometimes he would do both: complete the attack and then go to mark.  But I've seen him walk completely away on his own, without being prompted.  He just decided it wasn't that important, turned around, and fucked off.  I was honestly speechless.  And a couple of other times, I've reminded him not to be an asshole and he's left off.  And he's stopped lurking, trying to catch one of the others off-guard.

He does still have lapses where he pees on things or starts acting like a dick to everyone.  Expecting him never to slip up or backslide is just unreasonable.  I wouldn't expect it of a human on good meds and therapy, I certainly don't expect it from a cat.  So he's entitled to his Moments.

He does still have episodes where he gets het up and breathes hard and is all stiff and angry.  (You really need to feel him breathing like a bellows when he does this to believe just how unhappy he gets.)  I've started addressing these episodes differently.  Rather than removing him from the area, I will place Raleigh on his favorite perch, out of Smooch's reach.  This way Smooch's mind isn't occupied with returning to the same spot and finishing the aggression when he does because Raleigh is still there.  This way Raleigh simply magically disappears and Smooch is left with no-one to antagonize.  Since his attacks were not driven by boredom, but by the mere presence of another cat, this actually satisfies him, and the need to bully resolves on its own in a very short period of time.  It's also teaching Raleigh to retreat to higher ground.

At this point, I can honestly say that Raleigh "starts it" at least half the time by being the first one to hiss or swat or growl.  Once Raleigh starts acting defensive, that triggers Smooch's bully response and he will chase or attack, even if he wasn't going to before.  I understand where Raleigh is coming from so I don't blame him for this at all -- he's used to Smooch being a belligerent prick and is just trying to ward him off.  He doesn't understand that what is defensiveness to him is provocation to Smooch.  Hopefully this behavior will taper off as he realizes Smooch isn't out to get him.  Raleigh is a very easygoing, friendly cat, and not a great grudge-holder, so I have hope.

They are able to coexist peacefully most of the time.  They will sit next to each other totally calmly to look out the door or eat side by side, so they don't hate each other that much, at least.  If they can be calm for two hours looking out the screen door, they can learn to live with one another without fighting.

Smooch's biggest remaining challenge may be that he likes to enforce The Rules, so when one of the others is doing something and we have to tell them to stop, he will rush in and jump on the offender.  As an example, Raleigh will sometimes get it into his head to jump from the countertop to the top of the nearby bookshelf.  We don't want this, mostly because he is the clumsiest cat we have ever met and he for-real stands a very good chance of harming himself if he were to flub it, which is a standard outcome for him trying to do basically anything.  So if we see him about to make the jump, we have to call his name sharply and clap to get his attention (just saying his name calmly doesn't work, he will jump and then act sorry and not come down at all unless we get the spray bottle or poke him with something -- both things I don't want to have to do because they are so upsetting).  When we do that, he will jump off the counter to go do something else, at which point Smooch will sweep in and bowl him over.  Cue defensive response, cue squalling cat fight.  Raleigh is a screamer!

So Smooch does that whenever one of the others misbehaves.  It stresses him the heck out.  And he's not shown a lot of improvement in this area.  I will have to try to think of ways to work with him and not against him in this.  It's just hard.

Side effects have been minimal to nonexistent.  The meds make him sleepy but not too much so, and when he's awake, he's quite alert.  The first day or two it was a little alarming but he's acclimated and is tolerating it well.

It makes me sad to know that he may be feeling yucky side effects that he can't tell me about, but his behavior has improved so much that I think it's apparent that even if that's the case, he is overall feeling better enough to make it worth it.  I know that's how it is for me.  I'm glad I've been through all this personally, so that I know how shitty it is to be unmedicated, and how some side effects are worth it to have a good life back.

I'm going to talk to the vet in another two or three weeks and ask if she thinks we could raise his dose and see how he does then.  There is still room for improvement.  He's still not what I'd call stable, he's still easy to provoke.  We've just gotten really good at not doing that.  We may have gotten him close to stable.  I'd like to build some resilience next.

He is a sweet boy.  He is sleeping at my feet right now, like a hairy dumpling someone dropped on the floor.  I love him very much.

Hopefully his improvement will continue and the other cats will relax around him a little more.

Thank you all for your help with him.  I love him dearly.  I want to be the right person for him.  I want this to be a good home for him.  If I'm not, and it's not, then that's how it is and I'll do everything in my power to get him with a better person, but I am going to keep trying, because I think we on the way towards turning this thing around. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

Names and Names and Names

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I'm in the process of switching out "Amanda" from "Alex" in my friends group.  It's been at least six months.  Still feels weird.  Still feels fake.

I don't know how to make that go away, or if it's a sign I should stop, or what.

It's made even more difficult by the fact that I most often hear my name spoken aloud by medical professionals, and I'm Amanda according to my insurance.  I also have to give my name as Amanda all the time to access doctor's appointments and the like.  I'm in and out of appointments a lot, so this is a fair amount of reinforcement.

Pretty sure most places do have a slot for "preferred name".  I can take advantage of that.  But if I decide it's not for me and have to ask them to change it back, I'll just feel really stupid.

Does anyone have any advice?  Is rolling it out in stages NOT the way to go?  Should I move it out a ring and change my name on social media?  Should I give it more time?

I want this to be my name.  (I think?  The fact that it still feels weird after so long makes me doubt myself more than anything else does.)  I LIKE it.

Help!

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

March 6th, 2017

Kitty Wish List

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 I have created a kitty wish list on Amazon.
 
Smooch's eye issues and his behavior issues are treatable, but the tools that make it a lot easier do cost money, and my Patreon is flagging -- I'm down about $80 from where I was at my best.  Normally it wouldn't be so bad, but we've had to pay off some medical bills, and it's hitting us hard.
 
So if you would like to do a good thing and help Smooch (and the other goblins) out,  here's the link again.

Right now the Feliway stuff and the Lysine treats and paste are the most important.  

The Feliway really helps reduce his anxiety and resulting aggression.  There's two sizes of refill there, for two price points.

I haven't been able to afford to get him started on the lysine treats that will help his eye issues.  The powder stuff that goes into wet food is too hard for him to eat, I can't get enough into him.

We always, alllllways need litter.

There's also fun treats and some more expensive toys on there.  The Ripple Rug looks AMAZING.

I hate having to do this, but it's for my stupid losers, and I love them so much. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

March 3rd, 2017

Theogony

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Originally posted by sargon999 at Theogony
Working on Storm of Empire I find myself thinking a lot about theology, because the way people in a pre-industrial, low-tech world related to super powers would be very different.  People did not have an idea of science as we know it, and so their explanation for sudden super powers would pretty much have to be: magic.  And while we have a kind of secular idea of magic nowadays in our pop culture, that is not really the way peoples in earlier eras related to the idea of magic.  Magic was always associated with religion, because the major source of magic was divine.  People given superhuman powers would almost inevitably think that power came from the gods, and that would have vast implications.

Because while modern superhero movies soft-pedal the idea, a lot of people would straight-up worship someone like Iron Man or Thor, and someone suddenly given superhuman power would almost inescapably become an object of veneration.  In a culture less secular than our own, tis would cause Problems with a capital P, and present the person in question with very different difficulties than the one we normally see in these kinds of stories.

The campaign for Storm of Empire is ongoing, come and help me make my goal, if you can.

February 18th, 2017

Smooch update the second!

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He's not in a perfect environment -- I am frequently out of commission and can't do everything flawlessly, and while my 70% is good enough for everyone else on most days, it's not enough for Smooch.  And, honestly, I don't think it would be even if I was perfect.  As time has worn on, it's become obvious that he's got genuine deep-seated mental health problems.
 
I've been where he is, with an uncontrolled anxiety disorder, and I see so much of myself in him, in the way he reacts to things, the things that upset him.  It's so shockingly similar.  And I personally, even with amazing social support, even given an ideal environment, still require and always will require medication to manage my bipolar and my anxiety.  I would never, ever deny myself that tool.  I can't deny it to him, if he needs it, just because I feel guilty for not being able to help him enough.  That's selfish and cruel, and ridiculous.
 
I keep thinking of how cats' brains are so much like ours, how their thought processes are so similar, and I have seen that time and again with Smooch.  More than any other cat I've had, he's quite human.  More than that, he and I are quite alike.  I had no way of knowing this when I adopted him, but it's true.  The vet said he was lucky he got me in particular.  I think he could have gotten luckier -- someone with more money, with fewer "off" days -- but I do see that I am in a unique position to understand where he's coming from, so I'm trying to make that work for us.
 
I love him so, so much.  Even when he's being a bully and a piss goblin.  He doesn't WANT to do these things, I can SEE and FEEL that he doesn't, he just has no other tools in his tool kit, and the urge is overwhelming to him.  He HAS to chase.  He HAS to mark.  He HAS to pick a fight.  He HAS to enforce the rules on the others.

And he hates it.

When I get up to pick him up and take him away from one of the other cats he's been harassing, I can feel how he is tense all through his forequarters, and hear him breathing so hard and so rough.  And when I doctored his ear after Raleigh gave him a (well-deserved, small but bloody) scratch, he made a very human grunt of pain, but didn't shy away from ME or fight ME.  He lets me doctor his eye when it hurts him so much from the ocular herpes, and he never bites or scratches.  

For pity's sake, a few hours ago, I asked him to follow me into the kitchen so I could clean his face and eye, medicate his eye, and pill him.  He followed me, purring, even though he KNEW that's what was going to happen and he hates all that.  He came with me to the fridge to get his eye medicine and looked inside, like he always does. He squirmed a little but behaved himself for the gross/ouchy part.  His reward?  One nasty cat treat with a pill inside it.  He was happy with just that.  Didn't fuss or fight at all.  He is a good cat.

He is a fundamentally gentle cat, driven to distraction by an unchecked mental issue.  He has had such a hard time, he has been so unhappy, and it has been breaking my heart.
 
So I am trying hard not to see the meds as a failure, but as a success -- recognizing when a tool is needed, and using it.
 
He took his first does of his new medication yesterday and slept and slept and slept.  I gave him his second dose a few hours ago, and he is sleeping again.  But he can be roused, his ears twitch if I play with them, he still bats at my fingers to play and still pushes me away if he doesn't want to be held and purrs if he does, so he's perfectly fine.  He's not even feeling unwell, just sleepy.  Hopefully he will continue to do well and the somnolence will retreat.
 
We have other meds we can try, if this fails.  And if that fails, I will investigate overhauling south rooms of the house so he can live solo, and see if we can afford that.  It wouldn't take much, just a new door and some different flooring.  Rehoming him responsibly but remaining involved in his care and responsible for his vet care through that third party is the very last thing I want to do, but I am pretty confident it won't come to that if we can just find a medication that works for him.
 
Etrigan, by the way, is doing VERY well.  He's pushy and plays rough, but he's also a very friendly, charismatic cat and visibly WANTS to be on good terms with the others.  There is no aggression in him or mean-spiritedness, he just doesn't understand he's not a tiny kitten anymore and cannot play the way a tiny kitten plays.  He is also an oaf and doesn't always understand when he is making the others uncomfortable.  If I tell him to lay off and provide him an alternative activity, he always chooses not to re-engage.  He and Raleigh now "kiss" when they walk past each other, investigate things together, and I often catch them briefly grooming each others' ears and shoulders . . . before one of them gently baps the other.  They play chase . . . and take turns starting it.  It still often ends in one of them forgetting his strength, so we have to call it off, but it's not on purpose, and is still a huge difference from where it was at the beginning.
 
The other cats, Sid and Harley, are very shy and remain in the master bed/bath combo because Smooch is so overbearing and harassing, but if we can get that under control we can work on getting them all to play nice.  Or at least ignore each other.

I want this to work out.  I never intended to wind up with FIVE CATS but telling my GF to rehome hers is just as much a non-option as rehoming mine just because new boys came along.  I love them ALL. I strive to treat them all with the same care, barring insulting Etrigan with much greater frequency.

But if I'm honest, I especially love my smelly cryptid man. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

February 16th, 2017

Smooch update!

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 He saw the vet today and she was wonderful.
 
He's got a scrip for amitryptiline and some blood serum treatment (!) for a painful herpes lesion in his eye.  I do not at this time need assistance with that, but I did pay off three other small human-related medical bills this month, so towards the end of the month I may need help with food.  I'll keep you posted on that.

We are hopeful, not necessarily optimistic.  If this fails, there are other meds.  If meds fail, there are a couple of other possibilities I will look into before I look into rehoming him.

Because let's be honest, rehoming an adult cat with health issues who is liable to develop more as he ages, and who has behavior issues and is not guaranteed to get along with other pets?  That will be a nightmare.  Even if I could do it, I would worry every day that he wasn't getting what he needed.

Thank you for your encouragement.  It made asking for the meds easier.  It wasn't a heartbreaking decision or anything, but it is a thing I feel a little apprehension over because . . . well . . . his dear little body is so small, and his problems are so big, and medication is so strong.

I pitched it at her as "I am in no way wanting to rehome him because of his behavior issues, I'd be wanting to rehome him because he is clearly miserable, and if I can't fix that, I need to get him in a place where he is safe."  Because while it is true that when I catch him peeing on things out of vengeance, I get very angry and frustrated, I am primarily concerned with his happiness.

The vet said he's lucky he has me.  In particular.

I don't feel like I deserve that.  I don't.

I love him so much.  I just want him to be better, and not be sad and angry all the time. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

February 10th, 2017

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Smooch's behavior is absolutely out of control.

He is belligerent, he attacks Sarah's cats with an absolutely unprecedented single-minded hostility despite us having introduced them the "right" way over weeks and weeks.  He is just awful.

I've tried so many things.  (Yes, that.  Oh, and that too.  And that other thing you were thinking of?  Yeah, that.  So please, unless you're willing to pay for it and/or help me implement it, please don't make suggestions, it's only painful.)  The only thing left to try is medication and while I'm understandably reluctant to go that route, at this point it's either stop his behavior or re-home him, and . . . I don't have high hopes of being able to do that responsibly.  He is so demanding and so difficult, he has health issues, he's not pretty, he vengeance-pees.  He will be hard to place, and I just don't know what to do.

It is tearing me apart.  I don't want this for him, or for us.  I love him.  He is a sweet, hilarious cat.  Just not with other cats.  He is absolutely savage.

Can I just . . . I would need you folks more than ever to help me find a good place for him.  Someone with no cats or dogs and with adequate financial and temporal resources to help him.  I'm in Tulsa, OK.  Could you help?  Is that a thing we could manage to do?

Asking for a small, furry friend. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

January 26th, 2017

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The muscle twitches seem to have mostly stopped.  I think it was related to some medication stuff.  I need to talk about that with a professional, but I don't have one.

My sleep schedule is completely flipped around.  I'm sleeping from around one in the afternoon to nine or ten at night.

I'm clearly in some sort of mixed state.

I've got an appointment to see someone on the sixth, at a new psych place.  I think they're just an NP, even though I really need to be working with someone further up the chain.  I don't expect this visit will do any good whatsoever.  I know how this shit works.  I'll try to explain myself, they'll recommend something that doesn't help because they always wanna start where they wanna start, and actually really listening to me and working with me is too much work.  I have to prove that I know what I'm talking about by doing what they tell me to do and proving them wrong before they will listen to me.  If they will listen to me.  Some never do.

It's exhausting.  It's always like this.  If I'm lucky, I'll be able to get them to listen to me next time, or the time after.

The psych at the place I get my therapy is a complete dud; condescending, dismissive, useless.  The psych I had before, at the other therapy place, was even worse.  I'm hoping this will be better, but I don't really have hope.  If that makes sense.

I just want my old GP back.  She had her shit together, we understood each other.  She listened.  But Medicaid had to be the shitshow that it is and now I can't see her anymore.

It's been about a year and I still haven't caught up to where I was.  I still don't have a doctor I trust, or a psych I trust.  And it's not for lack of trying.  Just . . . the low-cost clinic I was at was utter garbage, and the family clinic that runs out of Planned Parenthood that I currently go to is overcrowded, understaffed, in imminent danger of closing, and impossible to call directly (you have to go through a call center to get routed there, which can take only five or ten minutes, but often takes half an hour.

I am still so unspeakably angry they pushed me away from a doctor I had a good relationship with and could trust, as well as reach quite easily if I needed to. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

January 16th, 2017

Oh dear god.

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I'm having muscle twitches again.  Tiny ones.

No.  Nonononononononono.  NO.

There has to be a reason for it.  I changed something or forgot to take something a few days too many or . . . something.  There has to be some reason that I can fix because I can't.  I can't do it again.

I'm taking the right generic, I swear I am, it's the right one, it's been working, it has to keep working.

I don't want this.  I don't want this.  I don't want this. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

January 11th, 2017

I think I may have kicked off the bottom of this.

I went off the Wellbutrin last year when it became too much of a hassle to get  the right generic of it AND the Seroquel, when the Seroquel was the one that was really fucking me up to be off it.  The Wellbutrin was the one thing I could let go, so for the literal first time since my initial diagnosis, I discontinued a necessary medication without consulting my doctor (I didn't have one!  Thanks, Soonercare!)  because trying to get the form of it I needed was actually making things worse for me at the time.

I seemed to be doing okay without it, and it took me literally months to feel up to trying to get hold of the right kind again, so I just . . . decided to stay off it.  If it wasn't necessary, I'd be fine.  If it was, I'd go back on it.

So a couple of days ago, I started taking it again -- Bear takes a kind that does work for me, so we agreed that I'd dig into her (considerable) stash and give it a go again, to see if it helps.

Today was better than yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before.  That could be a coincidence, but it could also be that Wellbutrin works fast.  I'm hoping that's it.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed today.

Like, don't get me wrong, I still feel like shit, but it's better than it was.  I'll take that.


X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

January 8th, 2017

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I hate being broken.  I am a constant embarrassment to myself in my inability to get shit done.  And intellectually I know it's not my fault, but the fact remains, I'm constantly falling apart.

I don't know what's wrong with me the past couple of weeks.  Or month.  Or however long it's been.  I've just been sleeping so much and unable to do hardly anything and have been severely resentful of anything that demands I leave the house or spend time with other people.  I don't know if it's still post-surgery exhaustion -- I mean, it's an easy answer to blame that but I've been fine up until now, you know?  On the mend.

I've been having trouble sleeping when I should, though.  Maybe it's my meds that need adjusting.  Maybe it's a mixed state trying to happen.  Maybe it's a depressive swing.  This time last year I was heading into a massive downward spiral that had me lower than I've been since I was diagnosed in 2007.  So maybe it's ripples.  I don't know. There's nothing reasonable or easy about this shit.

Add the IBS on top of it, and the fact that we only have one car and I don't have access to it during the time I am mostly awake and things are open and other people are awake, and it's just . . . I feel like I don't have a life.  I can't do things most other people can do.  Can't enjoy things.

I am happier in so many ways than I was, so I feel shitty complaining.  My life has radically improved.  That's why I'm pretty sure this is just . . . part of the illness, and not all that situational.

I wish I could just have, like, normal tolerances for things, and normal wants.  I wish I wanted to see people more often.  I wish I liked more people's company more than I do.  I wish that going to the store didn't take so much out of me.  I wish that I could accomplish daily chores more often than I do.

I just want to be a real person.

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

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 It will be a while before I get in to that treatment center.  I have to make the call first, and coordinate a bunch of shit.  There could be long delays, since my current gastroenterologist, with whom they will need to work for some things, is always really busy and getting in to see him could take weeks.

And, of course, I have to make phone calls.  That alone could take . . . an embarrassingly long time.  It's not stuff I can delegate, either.

I will let you all know when I'll be trying to get the money together.

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

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There's a treatment center that specializes in IBS and has what looks like a really great approach. There IS no one cause of IBS, it's a cluster of symptoms that can be caused by many different things. They look for multiple things that could be causing it and treat those things with medication or diet or both, in order to bring the gut back into balance. They claim a very high success rate.

Nothing will be covered by my insurance, though their rates are reasonable (not suspiciously so, though). I'll have to pay for everything myself, as well as cross-country travel for a couple of days for the consult and some testing.

I don't want to do this because I'm afraid it won't help and I'm so bereft of hope already. It's heartbreaking living like this. I hurt most days, and suffer other symptoms on nearly all of the others.

I will need help to do this. To organize it and get the money together.

And I'm scared of throwing money away on nothing. I . . . I can't spare it. If it doesn't work, I'll never get that money back.

I've been in brief contact with them and they're very level and not secretive at all, and I do plan on scheduling a phone consult to really get their measure.

I guess what I'm saying is that to do this, I'll need help, and when the time comes I really hope you'll be there to back me up. Livejournal is even deader than it was. I'm just so afraid.

I need hope. And I can't afford it. I'll make it happen because I am desperate, I absolutely will, but I'm scared.

(crossposted)

December 16th, 2016

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We have a new tree.  Bought it the day before Smooch racked up that medical bill, so I felt really stupid, but it was actually really cheap and I'm glad I didn't take it back.

It's pre-lit with white lights, and the ornaments are all white and silver and blue and pink and gold.  There are tiny star ornaments, and a ton of glitter.  Glitter everywhere.

It's gorgeous.  I always wanted to try a tree in these colors, and I finally get to.

The old tree was too tall for me to handle.  It wasn't pre-lit, and it was like 8 feet tall.  Putting it together and getting the lights on it and decorating it was definitely going to be too much.  I am still tired from the hysterectomy, and Bear has a bad back.

And I'm just as glad for the fresh start, you know?  This year has been really great in a lot of ways, but also really terrible, and the reboot feels good and right.

I'm still scared sometimes.  What am I doing, inviting another person into my life when I'm so fucking damaged and incapable of maintaining normal function?  Am I going to stay with her forever, (or try, anyway)?  Is it foolish to want that?  Is it okay to be afraid of that at the same time?

But . . . I caught myself just thinking about her face today.  Just . . . this one face I've never seen her make toward anyone else, this silly little squinch-and-smile.  And I think about her happy laugh, and I think about her "I shouldn't be laughing" laugh, and I think about her "utterly losing it" laugh, and I just . . . want to be here.  With her.

So I try to be good enough.  

No, maybe that's not right.  Because I'm good enough, and while I may not believe that, she does, so I don't have to prove it.

What I do is try to make her feel how much I value her.

I have no idea what I'm doing.  Parts of it are hard, occasionally.  Frustrating, even.  Not often, but it happens.  But it's the kind of hard and frustrating that feels like building something, not like getting weighed down, not like smothering.

I want to not fuck this up.  Holy god, I want to not fuck it up.

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

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I honestly feel like the amount of time left to me on this plane of existence is longer than it was at the beginning of this year.   I think I have actually gained years.

Yeah, 2016 can still go fuck itself, but . . . how often do you get a deadline extension for your own life?

There were times I wanted to end it.  I am so glad I didn't.

This was worth hanging on for.  This was worth the fight. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

December 12th, 2016

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Got my hands on the records for my surgery and the pathology on the stuff they removed.

The most interesting and honestly startling thing in it was that I lost less than 3 tablespoons of blood.

They removed an entire internal organ, and I loss less than a quarter cup of blood.

Science is fucking astonishing.

Also, I think my surgeon was just really damn good.

Dr. Rachel Gibbs in Tulsa, just in case you want to look her up. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

December 2nd, 2016

Left with questions.

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CW: pregnancy, miscarriage, other uterine antics.

So I've known for a while that I had Asherman Syndrome, where the inside of my uterus was covered in scar tissue.

And that answers, maybe, one of the questions I had -- why endometriosis?  Well, I read the other day that sometimes AS can cause it.  If the AS was bad enough to seal off a pocket of my uterus, isolating some endometrial tissue and preventing it from exiting through the cervix as it should, it would have flowed back out of the fallopian tube and carrying that tissue into my abdominal cavity where it could then set up shop and start ruining things.  Given that, when I tried to have the Essure implants placed, Dr. Thundercunt couldn't even see the opening to one of my tubes, this seems pretty plausible to me.

But there's a question I have that I forgot to ask the doctor about, and it's nagging at me because I've never had an answer for it.  Why did I develop Asherman Syndrome at all?

Endometriosis can cause scarring both outside and inside the uterus.  So that may answer how the scar tissue got there.  Maybe it's the opposite of my theory above.

But uterine scarring also usually causes lighter periods, which is not a problem I ever had.  I had medium to very heavy ones, often for much longer than a week and sometimes continually for months.  I initially spent something like a year and a half bleeding because I didn't want to have to go to the doctor for it, and it continued off and on for years -- right up until I got fitted with an IUD six or seven years ago.

What caused the initial heavy bleeding?  

Was the fact that I ignored it for over a year why I developed scarring?

Did I have a miscarriage that went awry somehow?  I might have been pregnant after the first time I had sex.  The likelihood of it is higher based on the fact that there was no birth control involved except for him pulling out.  But it's also lower, given that I was on my period at the time.  But I remember sometime right around then I passed . . . something.  Kind of like a blood clot -- big enough that I remember it still, after all these years.  It was the size of . . . I don't know, a largeish bantam chicken egg.  I don't remember if it was before or after.  I want to say after, but I don't remember it clearly enough.  It could well have been before.  But if that's what it was, could it have led to some sort of low-grade infection that then led to scarring?

My mother had tremendous problems, herself.  Multiple miscarriages between having my sister and I.  And every other uterus-bearing person in my immediate family has had problems.  Endometriosis, PCOS, undiagnosed horribleness, whatever, always something.  So maybe it's just an inherited inevitability. 

How does my thyroid play into all of this?  What about the recurrent nabothian cysts I was having all over the place, where did those little shits come from?

Googling for all of this is a terrible pain.  Especially the Asherman Syndrome.  Almost all the information on AS is about infertility, and is geared toward fixing it enough so that people who want to can carry babies to term.  Finding information about whether miscarriages cause AS versus the other way around has proven nigh impossible.

I'm truly grateful I'm not navigating these questions in that context.  I feel genuinely terrible for people that are in that position and I'm glad that there are so many communities out there helping share what little information there is and supporting people through their journeys.  I'm not wishing that information to be less available, but I do wish that the information I dig up on every single issue a person can have with their uterus didn't focus on its effects on fertility . . . to the point where other information is sometimes not even presented.  As if, in the absence of a negative effect on pregnancy, people won't still want answers.

If I had been told that Asherman Syndrome can lead to endometriosis, I would have looked into the issue years sooner.  Unfortunately, Dr. Thundercunt, who discovered I had it, refused to talk to me about it after she booted me out of her clinic for swearing and having a panic attack, so I never had a chance to learn this from her, and none of the information I was able to dig up online at the time mentioned it.  (See: the aforementioned focus on fertility, to the exclusion of all other effects of a condition.)

I'm going to take a close look at my records once I get them and see what they found during pathology.  Maybe that will answer a little of it.  Or maybe it will just give me more to wonder about.

I realize it's of minimal impact given that the organs in question are ashes in a landfill by now and I'm not suffering psychological upset from losing them -- quite the opposite, frankly.  I know it's not really materially important that I have these answers.  But I've had such trouble with it my whole life that I can't help but wonder.  What started it?  Could it have been prevented?  At what point could it have been diagnosed, if my doctors had been worth a damn and I hadn't been so fucking put off by their treatment of me?  (Given what I endured, I can't blame myself for not trying harder for answers.)

Otherwise, I'm doing well.  Hormone replacement seems to be working just as it should.  No pain for days now, though I'm still sticking to my lift limit when I can.  I just want to be sure, you know?

I'm happy with where this has gone.  Really happy.  But I'm always going to wonder what the fuck was wrong with the goddamn thing. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

November 22nd, 2016

Hysterectomy update #2

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I will have more concrete answers in a couple of weeks when I get my copy of the surgical and pathology reports, but wow, there was so much wrong with my plumbing.

My ovaries were apparently covered in cysts, one of them had some sort of benign fibrous tumor clinging to it, and my uterus itself was full of scar tissue and another sort of benign growth.  That's all IN ADDITION TO the endometriosis that had plastered rogue tissue all over everything.

NO GOOD WAS EVER GOING TO COME OF THIS NONSENSE.

I'm so glad to be rid of all of it.

I feel fantastic, btw.  Not, like, back up to 100%, but easily at 95%.  Only time will tell how many of my nagging little aches and pains and abdominal issues were being caused or exacerbated by this horseshit.  I can say that there was a particular sort of pain I was getting on a regular basis that was not IBS and not gas pain, and which has not yet chosen to reassert itself.  I believe it was cyclical bleeding from the endometriosis, but it may have been cysts on my ovaries as well.

I doubt this will free me of the IBS, but hopefully this will help that, in addition to utterly eliminating the actual obviously uterus-related issues I've been having all these years.

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

November 13th, 2016

(no subject)

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I feel kind of like I did after Orlando, only it's a more pervasive kind of helplessness, and this time I feel actual fear.

I sit down to do something creative, and 95% of the time I can't do it.  I just don't feel it.  I'm having trouble concentrating on anything.

I sit down to try to write something hopeful and encouraging and the words are just stuck.  Not that I feel like there's no hope, far from it, but I know that people are really afraid and hurting right now and it will take time for them to be able to see it.  I don't know what I could say that could make a dent.

Love each other.  That's all I have to say.  Love each other, and stand up for each other, and do what you can to help people who are not like you whenever you can.  Be a presence for one another, now more than ever.  And please . . . find a way to get involved.  Volunteering, donating, being present for your friends who are affected by this.  Think small-scale, if you want to.  Throw some money toward someone's top surgery.  Buy someone affirming clothes.  Buy groceries for a needy family.  Make phone calls for someone who has trouble with that.  Go to the store or ride on public transit with someone who feels afraid.  There are so many opportunities to help, once you look.  So whenever you can, be the helper that Mister Rogers told us all to look for.

And take care of yourselves, okay?  You are needed.

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

November 10th, 2016

Every heart

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The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be.

Ah the wars they will
be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

We asked for signs
the signs were sent:
the birth betrayed
the marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
of every government –
signs for all to see.

I can’t run no more
with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud.
But they’ve summoned, they’ve summoned up
a thundercloud
and they’re going to hear from me.

Ring the bells that still can ring …

You can add up the parts
but you won’t have the sum
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.

-- Leonard Cohen, Anthem

I was going to post this song as the only response I could think of to our situation right now in the US, and then I heard.

He joins Prince and Bowie now, dead at 82. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: comment count unavailable

October 23rd, 2016

Hysterectomy Update!

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So I had it done, and it was pretty awesome.

Bottom line, I'm having almost no pain at all, which is uncanny. I'm a little tired but not too much so.

There was endometriosis, so the surgeon took everything from the cervix up, including my ovaries. Some of the endometriosis was on the back of my uterus, which may not have been helping my IBS, but only time will tell.

I made this recording a couple of days ago. Not much has happened since then except that I feel damn good, better every day, and am beyond shocked that things went so smoothly and continue to go so smoothly.

Check out this picture of me in my flowery cat ears and listen to my longer account, or scroll down for the transcript.



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